September 5, 2013

Dating the Narcissist

Carrie and Mr. Big. Chuck and Blair. We are constantly presented with tales of the reformed bad boy.  There’s a reason for the popularity of these couples – sex sells with anyone, and a conversion plus sex especially sells with women. Nearly every girl I know would love a handsome, devastatingly charming boyfriend who adores her.  Everyone wants to be that girl. If you manage to put up with a guy’s bachelor ways, emotional baggage, and self-absorption while bringing out the best in him, you get the man of your dreams in the end. Unfortunately, most girls just end up wasting time and energy. Here are some signs you might be dating the narcissistic man:

  • He is definitely the alpha male type. He is confident, charming, and good at initiating connection with just about anyone.
  • He is always somewhat unavailable – emotionally, or otherwise. Narcissists typically abhor feeling emotionally influenced by anyone. A guy who doesn’t text/call you back in a reasonable time period (e.g., within 24 hours) either isn’t into you in the slightest, or truly thinks his time is more important than yours. 
  •   He subtly makes you feel lesser in any way.
  • There is great chemistry. Otherwise, you’d never put up with his antics.
  •  He has a high need for control. While he might not try to dictate who you see, what you wear, or other typical red flags, this guy definitely hates being at the mercy of someone else’s preferences. Chronic lateness is a little indication of this trait.
  •  He expects to be recognized as superior without having superior accomplishments.
  • He lacks empathy. If he is unwilling to identify with the needs and feelings of others, he probably won’t be different when it comes to your needs and feelings.

Just one or two of these traits may be fine, but when they start piling up, you have a problem on your hands. So how do you know if you have a Mr. Big or just a heartache waiting to happen? You don’t. You can take the risk, keep dating this guy, and hope for the best – or you can try to change the type of guy you pick. It’s easier said than done. There’s scientific evidence that women are attracted to narcissistic personality traits.

For the love of God, please stop playing dating mind games with these men. Please stop playing games with men in general, actually, but especially narcissistic types. Attention and "the chase" are their oxygen.  Go on dating him if you must, but stop feeding his ego in search of some semblance of caring partner. You'll find more love at the bottom of a bottle of tequila - and that isn't much. Learn from the experience, and when you're ready, remember this advice:


(P.S. This post will also appear on the blog of the popular Twitter account Single in my 20s. Stayed tuned!)


  1. Great writing!! Well said, Good advice for my daughter lol.

  2. I love SATC -- Carrie & Big, always interesting!!

  3. omg, this is my life. thanks for this post!


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